You have to sit perfectly still, because if you move you might fall, and this time you may never get back up. 

Your eyes fill with tears and you think of many things.

The last kiss you had that you didn't know was your last. You tell yourself what it was like, the lips, the warmth, the moisture. But you don't remember his eyes that you had once gazed into, those blue eyes with flecks of yellow. There was a time when you could recall every speck, when you named every freckle on his nose. The particular shade of his eyelashes. But now, it's out of focus, and everything is bright and unclear. 

You think about being in the 1st grade and losing your best friend, her name was Patty. She had light brown hair and her eyes were too big for her face. She invited you to her birthday party over the weekend and you couldn't go because your mom made you go to your grandma's house. On Monday Patty told you Rene was her best friend now. At lunch time you sit on the bench by the swings, there is sand in your sandals and you are alone. You look around and wait for a swing to be free. The bench is warm and your feet dangle and hover a few inches from the ground.

You think about holding your grandfather's hand while he died. You can see his chest move up and down, slower and slower. His chest becomes still and everything stops. His hand is still warm in your hand and you wait for him to breath. And when he doesn’t, you hold onto his hand tighter.

You think about everything that has broken your heart. You think about all the new ways your heart can be broken. And you wonder how much more you can take.

So you sit very still and you wait for love.

You wait for something to hold you and nurture you, whisper in your ear, “Everything will be fine.”

You hardly notice tears are streaming down your face. And you hope with your whole heart that things will be different someday.

And to an empty room, you whisper a plea to no one in particular:

“Please hurry.”

Time

Running. 

I can feel my breath quicken. My throat has a pulse. 

I'm thinking about the last time I spoke with you. We were at a cafe whose name I couldn't pronounce. 

"Why do you have to have so many opinions? Why do you have to be so different?"

I sat quietly. I didn't know who to be. I didn't know what to say. 

I looked at you and waited for a prompt. I waited for you to give me the answer. 

At that moment, I would have been anything you wanted. I just didn't want to be alone. I didn't know who I could be without you. 

The first time we kissed you held my face and kissed me hard. Your tongue pushed hard into my mouth and pushed against the roof of my mouth. 

You said, "You're different from anyone I've ever met. You're amazing."

And now we were here, and you were breaking up with me. You asked if I wanted a coffee, I said no. I couldn't talk. I just wanted everything to be okay. 

"I'll change. I just get excited and I don't think before I talk. It's a bad habit, I'm working on it. I'm sorry."

I waited, hoping this would be enough to make you stay. 

"You won't change. That's not who you are."

"Please, I love you."

"I love you too. You're just too different."

"But that's why you liked me in the first place. I don't understand. How can you be rejecting me for being different when the reason you asked me out was because I was different? How does that make any fucking sense?"

"You have so many opinions, you have so many things you want to do and see and everything. I like it here, I want to spend weekends having barbecue's with friends. I don't want to be going everywhere and seeing everything."

"What the fuck are you even talking about? I love you. Doesn't that mean anything? Don't you know how rare this is?"

"It's not working."

"That's it."

"Yeah, that's it."

"Okay, you're a fucking disappointment. You're weak and pathetic. I wish I'd never met you. I don't care how old you are, you will always be a scared child. You're boring and you'll lead a boring life. I will never love you again. I don't ever want to see you again. If you see me, walk right past me. There is nothing between us anymore. I don't even feel sorry for you or angry, you're nothing. You're a waste of time. I was an idiot to think you could ever be anything other than ordinary."

I got up and left. I never saw you again. 

---------------------------

My throat has it's own heartbeat. I run farther and the heat from the sun makes the top of my head warm to the touch.