Never new

We were dancing. It was amazing. We were sharing a bottle of rum and talking about Puerto Rico. He asked if I wanted to see the view from his room. I laughed and handed him the bottle. We listened to different kinds of music and had conversations I can't remember. He touched my face gently and whispered in my ear, "I want to kiss you."

I told him no.

We kept talking, laughing. 

Tired from dancing we were sitting next to one another on the carpet. We talked about what we would eat for our last meal if we were on death row. Where we would go if we had a magic carpet. What animal we would like to be reincarnated as. We talked about God and zombies. 

He put his arm around me and brought his face closer to mine. He said, "I've never kissed you. I want to know what it feels like."

I said no.

The kiss wasn't about me. 

It wasn't we, it was "I". It was all about his "I". His selfish, reckless, arrogant and thoughtless "I".

We had been best friends for 15 yrs. 

He only wanted to kiss me because I am what he has never and would never have the courage to be. Alone.

I would rather fail than to live a life that is comfortable and safe. 

He is in a mediocre relationship, with a 9-5 job, a house mortgage and a car payment. It's rare that I am disgusted with someone. After the second  no, he got upset, angry, annoyed and left. I called, he didn't answer. I sent him a text, he didn't reply. I'm disappointed and hurt. 

He was my best friend. The person who held me break up after break up. The person who picked me up break down after break down. The one person I trusted with every stupid dream and hope I ever had. I'm the one who encouraged him and told him he could be anything. I'm the one who was there when he was unsure and scared. There was a time when I would have kissed him back, there was a time when I probably would have asked him to kiss me. But we make choices in life, and he is in a relationship, he is locked inside a whole like that he can't walk away from. My heart is breaking, and there isn't anyone here. Not anymore. 

Happy New Year.